Gravely. It',s a fresh world out there.
Recall dating in the 1990s? If you weren’t born yet or didn’t have the privilege of dating in that spectacular decade, here are some major differences inbetween dating now versus then.
Then: Have your friends set you up with someone they know. You will very likely not see this person until the moment you actually meet, unless your friend has a picture of them in an old photo album from college, so make sure you get a detailed description of what they look like over the phone. Hope they don’t lie.
Now: You swiped right because they were hot.
Two. Narrowing down your choices
Then: You could also check the individual ads in the back of your city’s weekly newspaper. Look for SWM, SBF, GHM, etc.
Now: Tinder, OKCupid, Bumble, Grindr, the list of dating apps is pretty much endless. Look for a single yet polyamorous, non-gender-conforming, #sexpositive, post-colonial, anti-Imperialist, non-capitalist, vegan, pan-sexual, multi-lingual, agnostic feminist who’s cool with a little light D/s on special occasions.
Trio. Discovering hidden bits of information
Then: Ask mutual friends to tell you about them.
Now: Stalk the living crap out of them on social media to be sure they’re hot/interesting/have a job/aren’t catfishing you. Google and Switch sides Picture Search are your best friends. Then lose interest downright because, eww, he used the X-Pro filter way too much on Instagram, and suffers from an embarrassing case of hashtag manhandle. And she has a disturbing number of duck-faced selfies and might possibly charge people to see her do laundry naked over a webcam.
Four. Determining if they are your “type”
Now: What’s your Myers Briggs type? Ugh, an INFJ? Boring. I’m looking for more of an ENFP. Sorry.
Then: You have to call their house to talk to them. Someone else (Roomie? Sibling? Parent?) will response. You will have to ask if they are there.
There will be an elaborate song and dance involving stringing up up one receiver and picking up the phone in the upstairs bedroom as opposed to the one in the kitchen where there’s no privacy. There may also be messages written down on scraps of paper if they aren’t home.
You will have severe anxiety wondering if their little sister actually gave them the message, if it was written down correctly, or if they can read the handwriting. If you’re fortunate, you can just leave a message on their answering machine and hope their dad doesn’t erase it.
Now: Text them. It’s way lighter not having to talk to anyone.
6. Going out on an actual date
Then: Permit the boy to pick you up at your house in his car.
Now: Hell no is anyone letting a strange dude pick them up at home. You’ve seen the ID Channel. Everyone is a narcissist/sociopath/rapist/cannibal-axe murderer/ISIS recruiter these days.
7. Passing the test of chivalry
Then: Do not fail the test. You know, the one where after he opens your car door you have to reach over and unlock the driver’s side door before he gets in.
Now: Automated door locks. Instead, the doll now has to suggest to pay. This test goes both ways, however, because the stud must absolutely not let her. Ever.
8. Getting to your date destination
Then: When you’re driving to the place where you’re going to meet, as you drive you will need to refer to elaborate handwritten directions on a lump of notebook paper that she dictated to you in advance of the date, over the phone.
Now: Gravely? Uber that sh*t.
9. Preparing for sexual encounters, just in case
Then: Trim your gams below the knee.
Ten. Committing to pre-date dieting
Then: Pre-date crash diet, so you aren’t bloated.
Now: Do a three-day juice cleanse that costs $150 so you can rid your assets of toxins and make a good impression, which you will not do if your bod is harboring toxins.
11. Determining what to do on the date
Then: Dinner and a movie (as in, actual restaurant and theater).
This article was originally published at victoriafedden.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.
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